Dear Woman in Her 20’s,

I am so glad that you asked this question! It is not unusual (as you’ve seen by people who have already posted) for women to have a difficult time achieving orgasm. So no, you are definitely not a “Freak”. There are so many different reasons why you have not, up to this point, had an orgasm. First of all, let me tell you that orgasms are different for everyone. Sometimes an orgasm is similar to “Circus sex” where the legs are flailing and the screams are ear-piercing. But sometimes orgasms are quiet, subtle contractions in our bodies that engulf us in relaxing pleasure. So, maybe you have had an orgasm, just not the flailing screaming kind.

Or, maybe you haven’t at all. And that is perfectly normal. There are a number of reasons why you haven’t had an orgasm yet. For starters, sometimes we all get so hung up on the orgasm, that we actually inhibit our ability to have one because we are so stressed about wanting to have one! So, next time you are engaged in some sexually stimulating activities, just relax. Don’t think about where the pleasure could/should go, think about what it is doing to you in the current moment. There are so many feelings and stimulations that get us to the point of orgasm and it is really important that we enjoy the ride before the climax.

Another reason why the Big O is MIA could have something to do with the partner(s) you have. If you are involving someone else in your stimulating activities, make sure that they are someone you trust. It also helps if you two have open communication where you can give suggestions and try new things without feeling shy or fear of being rejected.

One way that you can try to get the climax you want is to experiment with self-love, which is also known as masturbation. ☺ Now, masturbation is more complicated than just “touching yourself”. There are a number of ways you can go about it. First, you could just try to explore your body. Touch yourself all over, look at your vulva in the mirror, touch all around it. Figure out what feels good to you. If you know what you like, you can make that happen while you masturbate or when you have a partner involved. Don’t do this one time only. Touch yourself often! After you get comfortable with self-love, you might want to try to experiment with visuals, fantasy, different movements, making sounds, or using props (suggestions below).

You may also want to try Kegel exercises. Basically, you will try to squeeze the muscles that surround your vagina and anus over and over again. It is just like working out any other muscle in your body. Repetitions! If you aren’t sure if you are actually squeezing your Kegels or not, try it while you are peeing. If you can stop yourself from urinating in mid-stream, then you are working your Kegels! Now, don’t do this EVERY time you pee because that could cause some urinary tract problems after a while. If you strengthen these muscles, it may help you to have more intense orgasms (once you have them or if you have been having minimally intense ones).

You may also want to look into getting a sex toy or two. If you aren’t familiar with sex toys, I suggest you go to www.babeland.com and just look at the pictures and descriptions of their wide variety of toys. It never hurts to look. Dildos and some vibrators are good for masturbation that involves vaginal penetration. But be warned, vaginal penetration is NOT the typical means of orgasm for women who masturbate. Clitoral stimulation is easier (and more pleasurable) for many women to achieve orgasm.
Clitoral stimulation can be done with your hands, a tongue, or a number of objects, including a vibrator or extendable showerhead. Vibrators come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and styles. Some look similar to a penis, some are shaped like animals, some are small, some are large, some have chords, some have batteries, etc. The list of variations goes on and on. If you are looking for a vibrator that will aid you in achieving an orgasm, I suggest you try one that has multiple levels of vibration intensity so that you can experiment with what feels best. Try different rhythms and vary the spots on your body that you are stimulating. With some self-discovery and the help of a toy, I think your dry spell could be over rather soon! ☺

I have one more thing for you (and everyone) to use for your sex-capades. LUBE! Do not, and I really mean, DO NOT forget the LUBE! Lubricant is (in my opinion) the most underappreciated aspect of orgasm and sexual stimulation there is. If you aren’t well lubricated around the areas you are stimulating, then after awhile the joy is replaced by soreness and chaffing. Using lubricant can help ease extreme sensitivity in the clitoris or dry spells in the vagina (or prevent chaffing of the penis for guys).

Now I’m going to get clinical just because I think it can be helpful to look at sex and orgasms in this way. A few decades ago Masters and Johnson (the grandfather and grandmother of studying sexuality) figured out that there are 4 stages to sexual arousal. This is known as the Sexual Response Cycle and if you know anything about cycles, you know that the cycle can’t be complete if there is a missing piece.

The 4 stages of the Sexual Response Cycle are
1) Excitement (you have to be into it)
2) Plateau (there has to be a build-up of excitement)
3) Orgasm (that’s the climax or highest point of excitement)
4) Resolution (some people may call this the afterglow)

Basically, if one of those pieces is missing, then you may not get the full orgasmic experience that you deserve. Since then, there have been more elaborate models that have added other steps and created more cycles. If you are still having trouble reaching your climax after trying all of these, it might be beneficial to see a sex therapist.

Well, that is all of the orgasmic advice I can think of for now. If you are interested, you might want to also check out the book, “I Heart Female Orgasm” by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller. Keep the questions coming and let me know if you need clarification for any of the information I provided!

Your Loving Sex-pert,

Emily

Eao2116@columbia.edu